Coping and pasting:

FANTASY NOVEL Helen Merrick (C), Joe Marsden & Cathie Tasker

FANTASY SHORT STORY Kathryn Linge (C), Peter Hickman & Tania Walker

SF NOVEL Alex Adsett (C), Lorraine Cormack & Alex Pierce

SF SHORT STORY Ben Payne (C), Dorothy-Jane (D.J.) Daniels & Cat Sparks

HORROR Stephanie Gunn (C), Emma Kate & Rob Riel

YOUNG ADULT Lyn Battersby (C), Lynne Lumsden Green & Gillian Polack

CHILDREN’S Jenny Hegedus (C), Joy Lawn & Tim McEwen

ILLUSTRATED BOOK/GRAPHIC NOVEL Deborah Biancotti (C), Andrew Finch & Kaaron Warren

COLLECTIONS/ANTHOLOGIES Katharine Stubbs (C), Sarah Hazelton & Matthew Chrulew

Yes, I am judging horror again, and convening the panel this year to boot.  I am really honoured to be able to judge again and to be asked to convene.  I love judging the awards – it’s a lot of work, but I get to read a lot of stuff that I wouldn’t otherwise have come across.  Getting the books is always a nice bonus, even if I do usually end up with two copies of things because I’ve already bought them!  But that just means that I get to pass on awesome books to someone else

Pain scale from Hyperbole and a Half, which remains the Best Ever.

Sometimes you have moments that are sobering.

For example: this morning, while browsing Twitter, as I am wont to do in the mornings, I came across someone posting a pain scale.  This one was slightly different to what I get to use at my rheumatologists’s, which is just a little sliding scale thing from “Hey, I’m okay” to “Kill me now” (I may exaggerate slightly on those labels).

Anyway, on that little sliding scale I usually put my daily pain levels at somewhere in the middle.  Because, yanno, it’s there, but mostly I just ignore it and get on with everything.  Sometimes its worse, and I head to the painkillers.  For the record, it’s usually back pain (SI joint mostly) and headaches that have be running for the pills.

Also – Running for the Pills is totally my new band name.

Ahem.  This pain scale was slightly different to what I’m used to:

So, on my rheumatologist’s sliding scale, I usually place my regular amount of pain somewhere in the middle, around a 5.  But looking at this, and the activity tolerance scale, I’m actually usually at a 7-8 on a daily basis.  That kind of stopped me in my tracks.

I know that there are probably people who would say that these kinds of pain scales aren’t that useful for chronic pain, and maybe they’re not.  It’s certainly true that I’ve gotten used to being in some kind of pain pretty much all the time.  Right now, most of that pain is fibro related, since it’s cold this morning, which always triggers at least a mild fibro flare.  That will improve as the day gets warmer and I move around more.

These days I put a lot of effort into appearing functional, despite the pain.  I get up, I shower, do my hair, put on makeup.  I try not to talk about it much in real life.  I don’t need a cane to walk any more.  I can stand on public transport if I need to.  I go out walking, I lift my kid up when he needs it (which is a bit, since he’s a huge cuddler).  But it’s still there.

And still, I know that there a lot of people who have a lot more, a hell of a lot more, to deal with.  I am acutely aware of the privilege I have.  I don’t have to work, because I have a wonderful spouse who supports me financially.  I choose to work on writing, and I am mostly able to pursue this because of family support giving me childcare.  I have access to the medical care I need and can afford to see specialists and get tests done.  I don’t have to worry about affording medication.  I am so, so, lucky, and I know it.  Hell, I even got to have a kid, which a lot of people don’t get, especially those with chronic illness.

Still, it kind of sucks, and sometimes I need to say that.  And then I get up, and just get on with things.  There’s a lot to be done, even with pain.

The first one is Facebook.  I’ve now set up my writing stuff as a page, so people can like it instead of asking to be friended.  I’ve set up another personal profile, which I’ll only add some people to.  If you’re not added, you’re not really missing out on much, since most of my babbling will be over here and on Twitter still

It’s going to take me a while to get everything set up the way I like it, but once it’s done, I’ll be happy.

Supernumary rainbow spotted yesterday

This is a post that, frankly, I hesitate to make.

Here are some facts: I have been sick with autoimmune illness for over ten years now.  It’s a vague thing, this illness, and has been shifted around from being called lupus, to undifferentiated connective tissue disease, to seronegative rheumatoid arthritis.  Fibromyaglia is always along for the ride, as well.  Whatever it’s called, my treatment has remained the same – DMARDS, painkillers, the occasional fun dose of drugs that come with the warning of “Side effects may include death!”.

This illness was the prime reason I had to give up my career in science, any chance of working full time.  I took pills to sleep, took caffeine in a desperate effort to stay awake.  On a bad day, the most I could move was between the bed and the couch.

There has been improvement over the last decade, slow but sure.  I was able to do some gentle exercise, but the pain and fatigue was always there.

These last handful of months I was trialling a new drug for the arthritis, since it had gotten bad over the summer.  It looked good, but then looked bad, eventually causing liver damage.  I was pretty much a mess, then, with all the symptoms that I hadn’t realised were caused by that damage.  Chronic illness is fun – you can be nauseated, unable to sleep, unable to think, in pain, bloated etc etc – and you just think that it’s part of the usual mess of symptoms.

I have now been off the drug of evil for a week and a half.  I’m going to go and get my liver functions tested again today, but I’m going to be very surprised if they’re not normal now.

But, here’s the rainbow: I feel fantastic.

I’m sleeping without needing to take drugs, my mood is awesome, I’m walking between 3-4km most days (including a handful of sprints in there), I’m losing weight for the first time in years (weight I need to lose).  I’m not needing to nap during the day, and I’m actually able to work and concentrate for a decent length of time.

I don’t know if it’s even possible to challenge your body in such a way that you can “fix” autoimmune illness.  It’s entirely possible that I’ll crash and burn sometime soon.

But for now, I’m feeling awesome.

And oh Gods, I had forgotten what it feels like to have energy, to be able to concentrate properly.  I managed to work my arse off getting a short story written and submitted on a tight deadline.  I have energy to actually play properly with Liam.  I walked around the zoo on the weekend and still had energy to walk home from the train station.  I had sore muscles after that, but I didn’t crash out.

I don’t know if this will last.  I hope it lasts.  To not have to ration energy again…well, I’m probably not going to do myself any good in thinking that way, in case this doesn’t last.

But for now, I’m making the most of it.

I think he was more enamoured of the fact that we went on a bus, train and ferry to get there, and of the other kids at the zoo, than the animals themselves  But he did like the meerkats and some of the small monkeys and he seemed to love the nocturnal house.

And – so cute – on the way home he turned around and asked “Go zoo again?”.  Heh.

I took a bunch of photos that I need to spend some time processing, but here are a few:

Kangaroo who thought it was a cat, sleeping in the pathway.

Cheetah

Happy Mother’s Day to those who are celebrating today!

I feel so extraordinarily blessed to have this little guy in my life.  I wouldn’t give him up for anything, and I would fight every dragon for him.

Think this is anything that every mother feels?  Maybe it is, but today it feels like a triumph for me.  Because this is the first Mother’s Day that I can truly say this:

An oldish photo of a lunar eclipse, fairy lights and car lights.

“Artists have to take a dive, and either you hit your head on a rock and you split your skull and you die… OR… that blow to the head is so inspiring that you come up and do the best work that you ever did. But you have to take the dive, and you do not know what the results will be.” – Maurice Sendak

Catching up on links from the last two weeks.

How to stay motivated.

Crappy first drafts of great books.

Ellen Datlow talks about editing anthologies.

What cancer statistics really mean.

How Joyce Carol Oates would launch a writing career today.

Why body detoxification is a myth.

How do you mother yourself?

Resisting Resistance.

Peter M Ball (and the spokesbear) talks about social media.

Storyfix begins their deconstruction of The Hunger Games.

Jack Dann shares some writing keys to the kingdom.

Goddess Leonie talks about how she gets creative work done with a child.

Blogging tips for newbies and veterans.

How to live well.

Why are so many vampire stories weak?

What happens to girls when they read a fashion magazine?

That pile you see there in the photo includes all of the novels nominated this year.  Of these, I’ve read Among Others and Embassytown already, but will reread them.  The only one that’s going to be problematic is A Dance With Dragons, since I’m only onto book two of the series.  I’ll keep reading my way through, and hopefully I’ll get to Dance before voting is due.

I have a feeling that it’s going to be tough to pick the best one of this bunch.

So, today I turn 35.

It feels weird to even write that.  In my head, I vacillate somewhere between being mid-teens and mid-twenties.  I have these moments where I just kind of sit back and am totally surprised at the fact that I’m an actual adult, with degrees and a kid.

It’s just past midday and I have done pretty much nothing productive.  I will settle down and get some work done while the kidlet naps, though.  I have been attacked by a short story, and I have a deadline for the anthology I want to submit it to.  Not sure if I’ll make it, but I’m damn well going to try.

I haven’t been blogging much (especially here at the website) of late, because I’ve been pretty much in survival mode.  We discovered that one of the medications I’d been put on for my arthritis was damaging my liver.  I’ve been off it for almost a week now, and holy crap, I didn’t realise how awful it was making me feel.  It was helping the arthritis, but everything else was awful.  I need to get retested to see if my liver is bouncing back (which I think it is, bless that regenerative organ), and I shall never ever be touching that class of drugs again.  The good news is that I’ve been actually able to start exercising properly again, which also means that I’ve been sleeping decently without needing medication.  Huzzah!

Anyway, I am going to issue myself a challenge: to blog here every day for the next year.  Which means that there are probably going to be few long, involved posts (but I do hope to do some of those, too!).  I have a huge stack of blogging projects I want to tackle: more “Not a Reviews”, blogging reading my way through the Hugo shortlists, and more Her Words and Worlds (I also need to repost my Kirstyn McDermott version of this).  And there will hopefully be photos, and probably lots and lots of rambling.

On with the next year, I say.  I think it’s going to be a good one.

This is called: Taking over Mummy's computer.

This has been an odd week, hence the general lack of blogging.  I’ve been hit hard by fatigue and medication side effects, both of which have rendered me somewhat useless.  I did, however, manage to write every day on the novel in progress, which is something.  I did also manage a fair bit of reading, which is also something.

Links from the week:

6 ways to hack into your emotions and become more creative.

The truth about launching a writing career.

How to make moss graffiti.

What happens when you throw privacy out the window?

The three core elements of storytelling (and why you need to write stories right away).

How long does it take you to finish a draft?

Feminist speculative fiction anthology kickstarter.

How to fail at habits.

Infographic: everything you need to know about the Hugo Award.

The impact on how having children affects how housework is shared between a couple.

Is this the banana your grandchildren will eat?

Five points about collaboration.

Kate Elliott talks about gender roles.